At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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