dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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