you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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