I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
