I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
