They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
