is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
