So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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