Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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