I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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