Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
