Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
