My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think I won the penis lottery.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
