"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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