hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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