you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he thought i was a dude.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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