I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
