I love black thongs
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
