First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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