So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize