uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
