i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
