Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize