I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
