There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My vagina is very pro this idea
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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