Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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