he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
