he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
