Pappa wants mamma naked
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
