You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
