i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
