I wish I could teleport
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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