32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
