Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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