I just threw up on my dentist
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
