I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
