I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
