The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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