It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
