boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
