one two three fourrrrnication!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
