Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
