Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
