Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
