just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
