The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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