I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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