My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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