She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just want to make out with him forever
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
