You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
