I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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