we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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