Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
