I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
