im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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