I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
