I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
