Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
