I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
This house was built for laser tag.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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