those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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