Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
