I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
