My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
