Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
