you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
