i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
