Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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